Like many transgenders, I have been hiding it for most of my life. Insecure about what I felt, and thinking I was crazy.
Over those years I have been trying and buying womens clothes, only to purge them again, after my growing fear that my wife or kids would find out. In 2013 I stopped this crossdressing, trying to block it once and for all, as it gave so much stress to keep this secret.
Until December 2016. A friend gave me a present and she had drawn the outline of my face on the gift wrap. A wonderful gift and later she told me she had needed to tweak the image a bit, as it had looked a bit feminine at her first try. My heart jumped, I consciously knew she could not know my secret, but hearing that my face outline looked feminine took my breath away. It was really hard to keep my cool at that moment. This has been a huge trigger.
After almost four years of trying to forget and pushing it away, I could not let go of the thought of dressing up again. I started to realize after reading a lot, that next to dismissing dressing up, I had also dismissed my feminine side for all of my life. I started dreaming of meeting my feminine side in a beautiful way. Browsing the internet I found a photo studio that does makeovers specifically for crossdressers and transgender people, with professional makeup and photography. The photos on their website were stunning and watching their videos I felt the respect and care with which they treated their guests.
I must admit it I have been very nervous about calling them and it took me a long time to really press the dial button, but I did and am so glad about it. The shoot was wonderful and emotional. I met three amazing women; Annett (the owner at crossdress-photoshoot.com), her photographer and her makeup artist. They took the time to sit down to get to know me and make sure I felt at home and as relaxed as possible. With them obviously knowing about the purpose of my visit and being so kind and respectful, I decided to share my story. This was my coming out!
They were eager to see the dresses I had bought and together we picked a gorgeous one. We talked about my likes in makeup and hair styles and I showed some pictures of women I find beautiful. Then the moment came to change into my dress. This moment was so exciting and scary at the same time. I had to present myself in dress, pantyhose and high heels to someone else for the first time in my life. With my heart racing I came out of the dressing room. When I stepped out of the room I was overwhelmed by their compliments and kind words. This was such a relieve.
I sat down and we started with makeup. The makeup artist gave me a lot of tips and told me about her favourite products and how to apply them. Halfway through makeup, when your face basically has become a blank canvas, we selected a lovely copper coloured wig. The fun part is they have 60 different wigs, so I could really pick a style I liked. Then the makeup slowly changed my face to that of a woman. After finalizing the makeup and putting on the wig, I was looking at a woman in the mirror in front of me. For the first time in my life I met Liv. This was such a magical and emotional moment. Liv was born. And like described in my previous post, will never forget it. The makeup was so nice and since I was already wearing my dress, I felt feminine and true. I felt so beautiful.
The photoshoot after that was a dream, they supported me with posing, capturing me in the most beautiful ways. All the time I felt respect, trust and a loving energy from them. Never did I feel weird or ridiculed. I really was a beautiful woman, and I was amongst friends. It was so liberating to be able to talk about hair, makeup, dresses, high heels, emotions and girly things. But most important, it was a magnificent way of acknowledging Liv. This shoot has been a life changer. Looking back I needed to see Liv in this way in order to understand she is a big part of me and that never ever again I should dismiss her. The shoot has taken me on a journey to get to understand and love who I am.
Coming out in front of the camera, might not have been the easiest route, but for me it felt like the only way to meet Liv in all her grace and beauty. I felt like a beautiful woman and not someone who just dresses up in feminine clothes. More important I received help and support from women who care and understand what we are looking for. The shoot has been therapy for me and I wish everyone who is hiding their true self, could enjoy such a magical experience.